RESTRICTED
FORENSIC ANALYSIS DIVISION — REPORT NO. FA-2025-0042

LAB RESULTS

Behavioral and digital forensic analysis of Subject "Thomas"
FA-2025-0042-A
EXHIBIT A: GIT COMMIT ACTIVITY
Activity heatmap — last 7 weeks (Mon-Sun)
M
T
W
T
F
S
S
LESS
MORE
FINDING: Subject shows no discernible "off" pattern. Activity spikes after 9pm Costa Rica time (kids asleep). Weekend output is indistinguishable from weekdays. Jungle WiFi holds steady.
FA-2025-0042-B
EXHIBIT B: COMMIT TIME DISTRIBUTION
Average commits by hour of day (24h)
0:006:0012:0018:0023:00
ALERT: Red bars indicate commits between 9pm and 2am — the "kids asleep" window. Subject is classified as nocturnal. Costa Rica timezone (UTC-6) makes this look even worse.
FA-2025-0042-C
EXHIBIT C: DOMAIN REGISTRATION ANALYSIS
Active domains by TLD
.com
6
.wtf
3
.ai
1
.fit
1
.cc
1
.page
1
.sh
1
.bot
1
.id
1
.live
1
FINDING: Subject owns domains across 10+ TLDs including .wtf, .fit, .bot, and .sh. Registrar reports all purchases made from a Costa Rica IP. Parrots audible on verification call.
FA-2025-0042-D
EXHIBIT D: CAFFEINE INTAKE ANALYSIS
Cumulative coffee consumption over 24-hour observation period
12963006:0012:0018:0000:00DANGER ZONE
CONCLUSION: Subject's caffeine levels exceed safe limits by approximately 2pm. By midnight, we are unable to explain how the subject is still conscious.
FA-2025-0042-E
EXHIBIT E: FORENSIC FINDINGS SUMMARY
Key metrics from behavioral observation
ACTIVE PROJECTS
15+
KIDS
3
jungle-born
JUNGLE WIFI UPTIME
97.2%
COFFEE (DAILY)
8+
cups
DOMAINS OWNED
20+
active
DISTRIBUTION EFFORT
12%
MARATHON PACE
4:45
/km
SLEEP (AVG/NIGHT)
5.1
hours
OFFICIAL CONCLUSION
Based on the forensic evidence presented in Exhibits A through E, it is the opinion of this laboratory that the subject, known as "Thomas Kanze," operating from a jungle in Costa Rica with 3 children and unreliable electricity, exhibits patterns of behavior inconsistent with a single human being. 15 active projects, a 12% distribution effort, and a coffee intake that would concern a cardiologist. We recommend continued observation from a safe distance — preferably not from Costa Rica, as the jungle appears to be contagious.
Signed: The Lab Team (who are now questioning their own productivity and considering moving to Costa Rica)
END OF REPORT — DISTRIBUTION: RESTRICTED
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